When I am determined to update this blog, sometimes I can’t just sit and write what I want. This is how it went today.
Turn on laptop.
Open Word. Type for about 30 seconds and decide to check my Facebook.
Text Ben before checking Facebook to see if he wants to go to Timmy Nolans for a beer later tonight. He can’t because he already has plans.
Open Firefox and go to Facebook. Look through everyone’s photos and statuses. See a link to something interesting: Jesse Jackson said the Cavaliers coach has a “slave master mentality.”
Go to google to look up the rest of the statement. Laugh hysterically at Jesse Jackson’s interpretation of how a hurt coach/owner reacts when his favorite player ditches him for warmer climates.
Decide that Jesse Jackson is kind of a nutter. It’s like a break-up. Dan Gilbert is just in the anger stage of grief and needs to lash out. Leave the poor rich white man alone.
See something about Christina Millian and The Dream broke up. Spend 10 minutes looking for the “racy” photos that brought about this announcement. Decide they were not worth the 10 minutes I spent looking for them.
Realize that nothing I am looking at has any real value to the world and go back to find something a little less trashy.
Read about the shooting in Albuquerque. Text Iisha, who lives there, to make sure she wasn’t shot.
Remember that I’m going to the beach tomorrow and look up weather. Looks like the LA beaches are going to be too cold and realize that Huntington will be our best bet. Text Meaghan and Jason.
Computer alerts me I am working on reserve power and will need to connect to a power source within 15 minutes.
Plug in the computer and decide to read instead of writing anything. I’ll get to it after Iago convinces Othello Desdemona is cheating on him. Or possibly after I read this long article Ben posted on Inception, which I don’t really want to see.
Read article. I totally want to see it now.
Should write, but I’m definitely going to read some Shakespeare instead.
Kimmi-0
Procrastination-1
(Read on the previous post to see what came after I finally got down to business.)
Showing posts with label Existing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Existing. Show all posts
Monday, July 12, 2010
Thursday, November 20, 2008
It's been a rough night...
Alone.
Lonely.
I never thought there was a difference. I never even thought about it. Until now.
I was supposed to go see Twilight tonight. I got my shift covered so I could go, a shift I would normally have wanted because I got to work with people I really enjoy working with.
But then, of course, plans fell through. I now have no one to go with at midnight, so instead of going with all the other fans and having fun, I’m going to go by myself tomorrow morning. That way, I won’t feel as badly for going by myself because hopefully there will be very few people in the theater.
The thing is, I’ve been doing this a lot lately. The things I would normally do with friends, I’ve been doing alone. Movies. Shopping. Getting coffee. I haven’t yet gone to a bar alone, but I’m pretty sure that’s where this is going.
I really hate it. It’s not like I don’t have friends. I know that I do. Logically.
The thing is, they aren’t here. The ones that are…correction, one, that is here, is busy. I have to bargain to get people to hang out, which is something I’ve never had to do before and it makes me wonder: What’s wrong with me? How come I no longer have anyone to hang out with?
Like I said, I know I have friends. I know that I’m not alone. But when it comes time to hang out, I have no one. Alec can hang out when he has time but he also has other friends to hang out with, so I might give him a hard time about hanging with them instead of me, but I know that I’m not the only person he hangs out with. Even he is the only person I hang out with.
I really haven’t felt this way since my first month in Berkeley. I didn’t know anyone and everyone was making plans and going places and I had no one to do anything with. I sat in my room most nights and when I didn’t, I was going to cafés on my own. It wasn’t until I asked people to go with me to a basketball game that I finally started to feel like I had people to hang out with. Thanks Hannah, Alana, and Jeliz!
But now, here, at “home,” I try to do the same thing. I have been somewhat successful, but it is erratic. I go out with the guys once, but then no one can do it again. I call people to make plans and they either come up with lame excuses as to why they can't/won't go. I make plans and then suddenly at the last minute, everyone flakes. I used to have several people to turn to when I wanted to do something. I would never have to stay home unless it was by choice. Now, I can’t even bargain or bribe. I really don’t know what to do.
Lonely.
I never thought there was a difference. I never even thought about it. Until now.
I was supposed to go see Twilight tonight. I got my shift covered so I could go, a shift I would normally have wanted because I got to work with people I really enjoy working with.
But then, of course, plans fell through. I now have no one to go with at midnight, so instead of going with all the other fans and having fun, I’m going to go by myself tomorrow morning. That way, I won’t feel as badly for going by myself because hopefully there will be very few people in the theater.
The thing is, I’ve been doing this a lot lately. The things I would normally do with friends, I’ve been doing alone. Movies. Shopping. Getting coffee. I haven’t yet gone to a bar alone, but I’m pretty sure that’s where this is going.
I really hate it. It’s not like I don’t have friends. I know that I do. Logically.
The thing is, they aren’t here. The ones that are…correction, one, that is here, is busy. I have to bargain to get people to hang out, which is something I’ve never had to do before and it makes me wonder: What’s wrong with me? How come I no longer have anyone to hang out with?
Like I said, I know I have friends. I know that I’m not alone. But when it comes time to hang out, I have no one. Alec can hang out when he has time but he also has other friends to hang out with, so I might give him a hard time about hanging with them instead of me, but I know that I’m not the only person he hangs out with. Even he is the only person I hang out with.
I really haven’t felt this way since my first month in Berkeley. I didn’t know anyone and everyone was making plans and going places and I had no one to do anything with. I sat in my room most nights and when I didn’t, I was going to cafés on my own. It wasn’t until I asked people to go with me to a basketball game that I finally started to feel like I had people to hang out with. Thanks Hannah, Alana, and Jeliz!
But now, here, at “home,” I try to do the same thing. I have been somewhat successful, but it is erratic. I go out with the guys once, but then no one can do it again. I call people to make plans and they either come up with lame excuses as to why they can't/won't go. I make plans and then suddenly at the last minute, everyone flakes. I used to have several people to turn to when I wanted to do something. I would never have to stay home unless it was by choice. Now, I can’t even bargain or bribe. I really don’t know what to do.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
A new pink DVD player that represents the lameness that is my life...
About 6 months ago, my four year old DVD player that cost about 30 bucks finally took a crap on me. The audio worked, but the video didn't, which kind of defeats the point of having a DVD player. I mean, if I don't want to see the action, then I'll just listen to the radio. (And I don't care what people think, sometimes I really enjoy listening to talk radio. I stress the "sometimes.")
Anyway, I finally bought a new one today at Target. I wasn't going to but it was only $38 and come on, pink? The only way it could have been more me would be if it was purple and came with a free Wizard of Oz DVD. I was very excited to find that it actually works. If it lasts for 4 years like my other one then it will have been totally worth it!!!
The sad part about it is that this new pink DVD player is the most exciting thing that's happened in a long time. I am sitting here, writing about how excited I am about buying a new pink DVD player. I really doubt that it gets more pathetic than this.
I keep thinking back to when I moved up to Berkeley and how lonely I was my first semester. I really hated that I was away from my family and friends and I realized for the first time how hard it was to make friends. I really didn't start going out and having fun until my second semester, when I had friends established and I could focus on learning rather than my loneliness. I think my third semester was the first one where I was happy and really didn't notice it, and then my last semester was the happiest. Even though I knew I was leaving, I made the most of it. I did well and I made some great friends.
Then I moved back home. Don't get me wrong, the first month or two was good. I missed Hoyt like crazy and I missed my girls, but I was glad to be home and to be able to turn off my brain and just work without having to worry about papers or finals or rent. I also reconnected with some of my old friends and made a few new ones. It was going well.
Then, right before my LSAT, i began to realize just how unhappy I really was. I saw that the friends I had had for almost my whole life were either exactly the same and going nowhere, or they were making huge life changes, like getting married or surviving cancer. With the friends whose lives were changing, I felt left out. I had nothing to contribute and no real place. With the friends who were the same, I realized that it did nothing for me to hang out with them. I felt worse when I was with them because I wasn't being myself. As bitchy as it is to say, I was dumbing myself down to fit in, and I am not ok with doing that.
So now, I'm back where I was my first semester in Berkeley. My friends are not here and I feel like I have no one to hang out with. The only friend I feel like I have here is someone I worked at Starbucks with who now works for AAA and has an opposite schedule as me so we never get to hang out.
So, for now, I just have to be happy that I have a new best friend to spend time with: a pretty pink DVD player!
Anyway, I finally bought a new one today at Target. I wasn't going to but it was only $38 and come on, pink? The only way it could have been more me would be if it was purple and came with a free Wizard of Oz DVD. I was very excited to find that it actually works. If it lasts for 4 years like my other one then it will have been totally worth it!!!
The sad part about it is that this new pink DVD player is the most exciting thing that's happened in a long time. I am sitting here, writing about how excited I am about buying a new pink DVD player. I really doubt that it gets more pathetic than this.
I keep thinking back to when I moved up to Berkeley and how lonely I was my first semester. I really hated that I was away from my family and friends and I realized for the first time how hard it was to make friends. I really didn't start going out and having fun until my second semester, when I had friends established and I could focus on learning rather than my loneliness. I think my third semester was the first one where I was happy and really didn't notice it, and then my last semester was the happiest. Even though I knew I was leaving, I made the most of it. I did well and I made some great friends.
Then I moved back home. Don't get me wrong, the first month or two was good. I missed Hoyt like crazy and I missed my girls, but I was glad to be home and to be able to turn off my brain and just work without having to worry about papers or finals or rent. I also reconnected with some of my old friends and made a few new ones. It was going well.
Then, right before my LSAT, i began to realize just how unhappy I really was. I saw that the friends I had had for almost my whole life were either exactly the same and going nowhere, or they were making huge life changes, like getting married or surviving cancer. With the friends whose lives were changing, I felt left out. I had nothing to contribute and no real place. With the friends who were the same, I realized that it did nothing for me to hang out with them. I felt worse when I was with them because I wasn't being myself. As bitchy as it is to say, I was dumbing myself down to fit in, and I am not ok with doing that.
So now, I'm back where I was my first semester in Berkeley. My friends are not here and I feel like I have no one to hang out with. The only friend I feel like I have here is someone I worked at Starbucks with who now works for AAA and has an opposite schedule as me so we never get to hang out.
So, for now, I just have to be happy that I have a new best friend to spend time with: a pretty pink DVD player!
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