Thursday, December 30, 2010

OMG! It's SOOOOOOOO Least According to my Clothing Choices...

I feel a rant coming on….

I frequently complain about LA because there are a lot of things wrong with this place, namely, the people. I will be sitting in a café and hear people talking rather loudly about rather private things and then they will look at me like I’m the crazy one when I’m staring at the girl with the “strange itch.” I will be at work and have guys coming straight from the gym ordering a nonfat, 110 degree white mocha with extra whip. I won’t even get started on all the aspiring filmmakers and actors who tell me about all their projects like I actually care. Yes, it’s fantastic the you are working on the most amazing film ever and it is going to change your life, but when you tell me about it 5 seconds after I meet you, I officially want to smack you. (And would if LA weren’t all about lawsuits.)

However, the one thing that I can never understand is why people in LA insist on dressing like it’s snowing outside when it’s 51 degrees. Yes, that is kind of cold, however from what I have witnessed sitting in a café for 10 minutes and watching people walk in the door, you would think LA was the one having a blizzard right now.

(*Note to self: get stealthier with the camera phone so some of these descriptions can come with photographic evidence)

A mom with her baby strapped to her front. The baby has his head uncovered and appears to be wearing a light sweatshirt. The mom (or nanny or whatever) is wearing a beanie, a North Face jacket, Uggs with wool socks sticking out of the top and GLOVES. Her baby is barely covered and yet she looks like she’s ready to go for that 10 mile hike in the snow uphill our parents always told us. Hey lady, how about you take off a few of your layers and put them on your baby. Then maybe he (or she...I really can never tell) won’t be in therapy in 20 years talking about how his mom never cared enough to keep him warm.

A hipster-ish looking guy comes in with, again, GLOVES on. In addition, he is also wearing a scarf and hat and looks reminiscent of Where’s Waldo. His jacket is leather and has a sweatshirt underneath with the hood hanging out. Now, I’m not a guy, but from what I’ve heard, the bottom half is the one you want to make sure is warm. Although, perhaps the snugness of his skinny jeans keeps his family jewels nice and cozy.

A man in a suit walks in. With a scarf. And an overcoat. And GLOVES. Again, it is not freezing. You are not going to get frostbite. What’s with all the damn gloves? And an overcoat? Seriously? He looks like Mr. Big in the last episode of Sex and the City when he is standing on the bridge in Paris with Carrie, only this guy’s coat is heavier. But I shouldn’t judge, maybe the AC in his office building is broken and therefore he needs all the extra layers of clothing in order to keep warm while doing whatever if it is that he does to be able to afford such a lovely coat.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s me. I do tend to get really hot really quickly and I do tend to be a tad judgmental. However, this is the city where girls wear short skirts and tank tops with Uggs, so I think it’s just LA.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I Officially Hate Christmas, Part 2: The Stupid Tree

Oh Christmas tree…how I hate thee.

We got a tree from ABC because they give them out to the employees and, since my dad passed away, they saved one for my mom. One of my dad’s coworkers said it should be pretty easy to put up, all I had to do was saw a bit off the end and then just put the stand on and, boom, Christmas tree is up. Sounds easy enough.

I should have known better. Especially after the debacle with the damn lights.

First of all, the tree itself is about 8 feet tall, therefore very heavy and annoying. Trying to take it out of the bucket we had put it in was a total comedy. Then trying to saw off the end…well let’s just say I would have been at it all day if my friend Josh hadn’t come over. See, my dad doesn’t have a wood saw, only ones for metal, so Josh decided the easiest thing to do would be to take an axe to the end of the tree and then use a saw to just even it out. Imagine a black Brawny paper towel guy going after the end of a tied up Christmas tree and you have the image of my front lawn that morning. Possibly not the best way to get it done, but hey, it was faster than the alternative.

With the tree now evened out on the bottom and Josh successfully sweaty and feeling manly, we pull out the tree strand. That is metal. And has no instructions. And has pieces missing. And doesn’t actually fit together anymore because it’s from 1960 (or possibly older). And apparently is no longer legal because it is a fire hazard.

After about an hour and a lot of frustration, we gave up and Josh went home. I tried Chad to see if he knew how the hell to get this thing working, but, after realizing that my dad probably just nailed the Christmas tree to the stand itself, Chad told me to just buy a new stand.

You would think that a week before Christmas, tree stands would be pretty much everywhere. But if you think that, then you would be completely wrong. (Insert annoying game show buzzer noise here.)

I went to Target, where I was informed that they had sold out but would I be interested in a lovely fake tree instead? Let’s see: would I like to spend an exorbitant amount of money on a fake tree when I have a perfectly fine, real tree at home that I didn’t pay for? I think you know the answer, red shirt and khaki pant wearing jerkface.

At both Lowe’s and Home Depot it was the same story, only at those places I was merely laughed at because who the hell tries to buy a tree stand a week before Christmas? Oh yeah, the girl who just lost her dad and is now trying to make her mom feel better by putting up all the damn decorations. Keep laughing, smock-holes.

A Christmas tree lot was next on my list and guess what? They had stands! Only, the stands they had required a hole to be drilled into the bottom of the tree and I need a special bit and I should just bring the tree in and they will happily put the stand on for me. So now, instead of just putting a stand on a tree, I have to strap a Christmas tree to my car, drive it to the lot, and then strap it to the car again and drive it home? No thanks.

At this point, I’m beyond frustrated, I’m crying like a little kid who has just learned that there is no Santa, and I’m ready to just give up on the whole thing. I still had some Christmas cards to buy, so I decided to go to CVS, buy some cards, then go home and take out my frustration by doing what my dad did and just nailing the stupid tree to the stupid stand.

One of my other friends, Andrew, said that CVS might have some and, turns out, they had stands! And, since I’m an idiot and waited until the week before Christmas, it was only $11!!! Woo hoo!! Go me!!!

After that, getting the tree up was fairly easy. It is probably one of the nicest tress we have ever gotten from ABC, with no holes or missing branches. It may be a little crooked because when I was bringing it in the house, I may or may not have knocked the stand on the door frame and been too lazy to try to straighten it out, but at least it’s up and I even put the lights on it with no additional drama.

However, I refuse to do any more decorating, such as putting up wreaths or putting ornaments on the tree. The only dealings I would like to have with any of these things again is when I take them down and get to shove them back up in the attic until next year, when I can pay someone else to deal with them.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I Officially Hate Christmas, Part One: LIGHTS

Note to self:

Hanging Christmas lights on the house sucks and you should never do it again. Here’s why:

~You will get covered in dust and dirt while bringing the boxes down from the attic. Said dust and dirt will make your contacts dry and irritating for the rest of day, thus making you dry and irritated for the rest of the day.

~You will take 10 minutes to figure out which lights should be used (traditional big bulbs, white icicle lights, colored icicle lights, or go all out and use all of them) and then spend the next 45 getting them all untangled from each other.

~You will waste 15 minutes fiddling with the ladder because it is old and probably not safe to climb on.

~You will get cut by rose bushes while climbing on the old, unsafe ladder and have dried blood on your leg for the rest of the day.

~You will almost fall more than once from the old, unsafe ladder because it is, indeed, old and unsafe.

~You will keep using the old, unsafe ladder because you are too lazy and cheap to go buy a new, safe one.

~You will realize, after all the lights have been strung, that you have no way to plug them in because you did not think about making sure you are able to plug them in before you starting putting them on the house.

~You will then have to climb back on the old, unsafe ladder, get cut by many more rose bushes, and nearly fall many more times in order to get the lights in the correct order to plug in.

~You will finally get them plugged in and walk away.

~Mom will come home, look at them and yell at you for getting on a ladder when no one else is home because you could have fallen and gotten hurt.

~You will argue back that you could have fallen and gotten hurt with her home and she wouldn’t have been able to do anything anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

~She will then look at the lights and say, “That’s not how your dad used to do them.”

~You will then slam a door and tell her she can do them herself next year.

~She will eventually say thank you.

~Finally, that night, when you turn on the lights, you will see that there is a foot long section that does not work. When you are retelling this story, everyone will ask you in disbelief, “You didn’t test them before you starting putting them up?” To which, after this year, you may no longer reply, “I’ve never done it before and I didn’t know you needed to test them before you put them up!”