I was watching Gilmore Girls the other night and there is a scene in one of the episodes between Lorelai and Emily (her mom) right after Lorelai has told Emily that she and Christopher are getting a divorce. (If you don't watch Gilmore Girls or have never seen the 7th season, then just keep reading.) Emily is upset because Richard (Lorelai's dad) has had a heart attack and now Emily must take care of a lot of the family business that Richard always took care of. She tells Lorelai that marriage is like being in a canoe and she feels that Richard has dropped his paddle and now she must do it herself, but can't, and now they are just going in circles. Then, Emily tells Lorelai that she, Lorelai, is in a kayak and can steer herself. In a nutshell, she is independent and can survive on her own.
I wanna be in a kayak.
I have never really liked the idea of being dependent on anyone else. It's not just the cynical side of me coming out, but my true need to do it on my own. I hate asking for help and will put it off until the very last second. I've always been that way. I like to solve my own problems and not put them onto other people. I don't know why, but it's always been that way. I don't like to feel I should rely on anyone else, because, inevitably, they will drop their paddle and we will just move in circles. This is probably why I am so averse to the idea of getting married.
I'm not saying I don't believe in marriage because I acutally think marriage is a great thing. If not for all the legal reasons, than to always have someone there for you when you need them and having someone who supports you and encourages you, etc. It's a great concept, but honestly, I think I need to come first. Not to say that I'll never get married, but it just won't be anytime soon.
I know a lot of my friends want to be in relationships and get married, but not me. I want to succeed on my own before I worry about succeeding with someone else. If I can't support myself and find my own way in the world, how would I ever be happy? I know that I have a long way to go before I'm happy with myself and my life, so why would I want to go through this process with someone else to worry about?
Maybe, eventually, I'll be ready for one of those two-person kayaks. That way, if my partner drops his paddle, I don't have to worry.