I never thought there was a difference. I never even thought about it. Until now.
I was supposed to go see Twilight tonight. I got my shift covered so I could go, a shift I would normally have wanted because I got to work with people I really enjoy working with.
But then, of course, plans fell through. I now have no one to go with at midnight, so instead of going with all the other fans and having fun, I’m going to go by myself tomorrow morning. That way, I won’t feel as badly for going by myself because hopefully there will be very few people in the theater.
The thing is, I’ve been doing this a lot lately. The things I would normally do with friends, I’ve been doing alone. Movies. Shopping. Getting coffee. I haven’t yet gone to a bar alone, but I’m pretty sure that’s where this is going.
I really hate it. It’s not like I don’t have friends. I know that I do. Logically.
The thing is, they aren’t here. The ones that are…correction, one, that is here, is busy. I have to bargain to get people to hang out, which is something I’ve never had to do before and it makes me wonder: What’s wrong with me? How come I no longer have anyone to hang out with?
Like I said, I know I have friends. I know that I’m not alone. But when it comes time to hang out, I have no one. Alec can hang out when he has time but he also has other friends to hang out with, so I might give him a hard time about hanging with them instead of me, but I know that I’m not the only person he hangs out with. Even he is the only person I hang out with.
I really haven’t felt this way since my first month in Berkeley. I didn’t know anyone and everyone was making plans and going places and I had no one to do anything with. I sat in my room most nights and when I didn’t, I was going to cafés on my own. It wasn’t until I asked people to go with me to a basketball game that I finally started to feel like I had people to hang out with. Thanks Hannah, Alana, and Jeliz!
But now, here, at “home,” I try to do the same thing. I have been somewhat successful, but it is erratic. I go out with the guys once, but then no one can do it again. I call people to make plans and they either come up with lame excuses as to why they can't/won't go. I make plans and then suddenly at the last minute, everyone flakes. I used to have several people to turn to when I wanted to do something. I would never have to stay home unless it was by choice. Now, I can’t even bargain or bribe. I really don’t know what to do.