You would think that after everything, I would learn not to get too excited about things like friends coming out from across the country. But no, I never fuckin learn...
It really wasn't as bad as somethings, and she could have not come at all, which would have made my weekend just boring instead of crappy. It's a toss up as to which is worse.
I'm not going to put her real name here because I don't want to air all her shit, so I'm gonna call her Gigi after a character from He's Just not that Into You. (Sidenote: a really fun read for anyone, even those in a relationship)
She comes in on Thursday at like 10ish, after which she is supposed to call me so I can come over to say hi. I text her at like 11 because I have visions of her plane crashing in the desert never to be found and if I don't raise the alarm, no one will ever find the passengers who have starting eating the dead in order to survive. (Does it make sense now why I am so paranoid about flying?) She says she's fine and she'll call me tomorrow. Ok, I think, she's tired from flying and we will hang tomorrow when I get off work.
I don't hear from G all day on Friday, until about 5:30pm when she comes into work to grab drinks for her and her siblings. I take my break so I can talk to her for a few and find out what's going on that night. She tells me, totally nonchalantly, she and her boyfriend of many years have broken up. They are still living together and are really good friends, but they are no longer together. She then tells me that she "hung out" with a guy who took her to our prom that we found out later was not actually 18 as he had told us, but was 16. He had some other shady qualities, but I don't really need to get into them. Anyway, she went to hang out with him and didn't get home till 7am that morning! Me, being the supportive friend that I am, was totally encouraging her, and I didn't even say the things I wanted to, like how she's too good for him even if he is just post-breakup rebound sex. She tells me we are going bowling with The Fam at 8ish so to call her when I'm off.
I meet her and The Fam (her stepmom, two brothers, sister, a cousin and some of their friends, basically my second family) at Pickwick. We have a really great time because we are all bowling and making fools of ourselves. Her brother, who is like 18, always like to talk shit so he and I of course get into it. Her baby brother (I say baby because he was when I first met him, even though he's 10 now. They grow up so fast!) is the cutest thing ever, trying to bowl like the big kids and refusing to let up get the bumpers, despite my tries to convince him they are for me, not him. About halfway through the first game, after I have already canceled my plans for the night with another friend of mine, she informs me that she needs to hurry the second along because she is going to meet the loser. Once again, I'm being supportive, so I encourage her. Unfortunately, in all my supportiveness, I don't see that she is actually getting emotionally attached to this guy...
We go back to her house, and in an attempt to salvage my night, I start texting to find someone to hang out with. The friend that I bailed on tells me that "he's hanging out with a GOOD friend" (ouch) and Alec is in Anaheim trying to get laid, so that's out. I try Chad, who tells me I can come hang out with him and his buddies, so even though I'm feeling disappointed and a little abandoned, I am at least going to go and have a beer with a co-worker. G, however, insists that I stay until this guy comes over because she is nervous. I do, of course, and then head over to Chad's. He tells me to just find parking on his street and to just call him and he'll come outside. I call him twice with no answer, so I get mad and leave, going home to sleep attempt to sleep off the sadness I feel that I let a friend down and that G let me down...
Saturday promises to be better. G texts me at about 11 am, letting me know how much fun she had ;) and that she wants to go salsa dancing that night. Even though I am a horrible salsa dancer ( I can't follow a lead, like in every other aspect of my life). I pick her up and we head out. We get there at 10ish, but it's dead and she's hungry, so we grab a bite before going in. The whole time we are eating, she cannot stop talking about this guy and why he hasn't called her all day and how awkward it is and how she was really starting to like him and all that other shit girls say when a guy is ignoring them but they are desperate for their night together to mean more than it actually did. I don't say anything, mainly because I don't want to upset her further, and also because I really just want to dance. She is checking her phone every 30 seconds, even when we get to club, and the only time she doesn't is while she is dancing. As soon as she checks her phone, however, she sees that she has missed a call from him so we must immediately go out to the smoking patio so she can call him and argue with him about his level of disrespect and how hurt she is that he is being such a jerk, after which we must leave because she is about to cry.
At this point, I am so angry that I can no longer be supportive, so I just drive her home and tell her I'll be there to pick her up in the morning to go to the airport, to which she tells me not to because she's such a bad friend and will find her own way. I promptly call Alec and we go grab a drink because I have to talk to someone about it, and he is probably my only friend in town now...
While G and I worked stuff out this morning and she knows exactly what she did and why it sucked, it has definitely left its essence on me. I feel like what happened this weekend is what has been happening with all of my friendships. I feel like I am taken for granted by a lot of people, mainly because I really want to be there for all the people I love and care about, but then when it comes time for me to need someone, I really have trouble finding anyone. I used to be the person who had plans with different people every night and would never be caught dead at home on a night off, but now I can't even get my friend who is in town for the weekend to want to hang out with me. I am eternally grateful to Alec because I literally called him and said I needed someone to meet me and he showed up and listened. But at the same time, I don't want him to feel like I am always complaining about everything with him, even if he says "that's what friends are for"
I am a firm believer that socialization is a very important aspect of human life, and that every person is different, so for some that means going out with big groups and for others that means sitting at home with their significant other. For me, it has always meant doing whatever will get me out of the house or out of my room. I find that it's so easy for me to fall into the loneliness trap because it's easy. Socializing takes an effort that I am sometimes unwilling to make, and I don't really know how to break it. I don't call people back or facebook them because it's easier than having to actually communicate with them. Yet, when any of my friends ask me for relationship advice, I always say that communication is key and you get nowhere by staying quiet.
The past few months, I've been quiet. (Shocking, I know.) I have not be willing to make the effort to hang out with people. I make every excuse in the book, but in the end, I'm the only one holding me back. If I don't put any effort out, then no one will make the effort, whereas if I actually work to go out and hang with my friends and keep in touch, then other people will make the effort as well. If they don't, then I'll know that it was no because of me, but because of them.
I guess, after a very long winded (long typed just didn't sound as good) rant, what I am trying to say is that I am going to put more effort into living my life, instead of just existing while the clock of my life ticks on...
Stayed tuned!
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